9:00 p.m.

Hi there. I'm gonna try to do better keeping up with this blog. Today I have good news--no sugar for over 24 hours! And now, after trying to eat chocolate in moderation and then slipping back into full relapse and deep depression over and over and over again, my intention is to abstain completely from refined carbs (mostly sugar and white flour).

It wasn't that hard today. Hopefully I'll get through tomorrow, and after the main withdrawl should be over (like headaches and strong cravings). I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.

5:15 p.m.

Hi y'all. I don't know if I'm gonna continue this blog, but I'm in the mood to post to it right now, so there you go.

My mood has been better in the last few weeks--most likely due to Wellbutrin kicking in. And that's made it much easier to resist chocolate urges, at least until I went to NYC last week and ate a bunch of chocolate along the way, and now I just want to eat it all the time again. Today, I've managed to make it with only 2 cookies with icing in between. Tomorrow, I have various support systems in place to help me get through the day without any.

It's very clear to me now that eating large amounts of chocolate for several days in a row does two things: 1) causes my mood to drop. IN fact, there's an inverse relationship between how much chocolate I eat and how I feel--the more I eat the worse I feel. And 2) after a few days of eating chocolate, it's VERY HARD for me to stop eating it. My brain definitely gets hooked, just like any other addiction. It keeps telling me, "chocolate, chocolate, chocolate," and I can't focus on anything else. It entices me with visions of various chocolate sensations, and the longer I resist, the more my mood drops. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The more chocolate I eat, the more I think about how much I want to kill myself. And when I abstain for those first couple of days, that's still what I think about.

However, after day 2 of abstinance, I feel much better. That's what I have to remember.

Shit.

10:20 p.m.

Hi y'all. I'm sorry I haven't written--have been busy with my mother, who drove to Asheville from Fayetteville, AR, to help me through this very rough time. I've been feeling much better, and hopefully that'll continue after she leaves! We've been eating well--no refined carbs whatsoever. I feel much more balanced and centered. I'll write more after she leaves Sunday morning.

2:10 p.m.

To Antoinette, Denny, and NoSugarMama: thanks so much for your comments. It means a lot to me to know that there are people out there who are willing to read this--even when it gets ugly like it got yesterday--and not just withdraw because it's too painful to hear about or because you don't know what to do. Thank you thank you thankyou!

2 p.m.

I'm better today, mostly because my mother is coming to stay with me for almost a week. I'm grateful because I can't seem to stop eating sugar--because, at this point, the main withdrawl symptom (severe depression) is too debilitating. We'll be able to support each other in following Eat to Live, and her presence will lessen the depression a great deal. So I'm very relieved. She'll arrive Sunday afternoon.

1:40 p.m.

I feel awful. My mood is terrible, and I hate everything and everyone. I hate living like this. I hate it that I'm so scared to kill myself that I'm forced to live this miserable fucking existence.

2:30 p.m.
A friend called, which helped break all that negative thinking. I can't say that I feel good, but I don't feel as bad, that's for sure. Interestingly, I'm more inclined to go get chocolate now. I haven't had any today, and even when I was thinking all that bad stuff and knew that chocolate would help me feel better for a little while, I just kept reminding myself, "If I eat chocolate, I'll get worse. If I don't eat chocolate, I'll get better."And it's so true! With each day that I eat a lot of chocolate, the withdrawl is worse and worse. If I eat chocolate, I feel better temporarily, but then the next day I feel even worse, until I eat chocolate.

And now I feel sad and spent. I just want to feel better. And that, of course, is where the sugar would fit right in. It's so hard at these times to stay connected with the fact that sugar causes me to be depressed. I just want the instant pick-me-up, and I'll worry about the consequences later! But no because if I eat chocolate, I'll get worse; if I don't eat chocolate, I'll get better.

10 p.m.

I've felt much better today; still I ate a shitload of sweets. First, a huge piece of chocolate torte, then some chocolate peanut butter malted milk balls, and finally a quarter pound of chocolate-covered cashews. And I could've eaten more! I swear I had not reached my limit.

I feel hopeful, though, because I'm starting Wellbutrin tomorrow. Also, a blood test showed my B12 to be low, so today I took my first daily dose of 3,000 micrograms sublingually.

And tomorrow I'll try again. I really need to be centered and grounded--which I'm not when eating all this sugar--because my dog Benjamin has some problems with his liver and kidneys, and I want to be fully present to him and be clear-headed enough to make decisions as to how to best handle these health issues. Please visualize me abstaining from sweets and following Eat to Live! Thanks very much.

Here are two of my children, Abraham and Benjamin, peering pitifully through a newly installed double glass door.

8:50 a.m.

I want chocolate! I feel much better today, though, than I did this time yesterday. And I think I can hold out at least 'til the afternoon, maybe I'll even get through the day. I'll see the doctor later and hopefully get started on Wellbutrin again--it helped my depression a few years ago but then quit working.

background info

Just a brief note about my background with this sugar thing: I've tried umpteen times to quit or moderate my sugar intake--I've been struggling with this since my teens, and I'm 38! I've tried doing it gradually, all at once, you name it. I've tried eating only or mostly chocolate for weeks at a time, hoping I'd get sick of it (all that happened was that I gained 15 pounds and then didn't go a day without chocolate for 2 years). And I've read every book I could find on food addiction, tried OA and FAA numerous times over the years, been in therapy numerous times, tried Prozac (it's been shown to be effective for binge eating), and tried neurolinguistic programming and various cognitive/behavioral techniques. What a nightmare this has been. But, as per my most recent post, I'll try again tomorrow.

10 p.m.

Ok, I'm gonna have another go tomorrow. I'm gonna assume I'll feel like shit instead of hoping I'll be motivated and energized--'cuz then if I turn out to be lethargic and depressed, I tell myself, "I can't do this! I have to wait 'til I'm more pumped up." So I'm gonna read the "Sugar Blues" chapter of CHOCOLATE IS MY KRYPTONITE before I go to sleep, and tomorrow I'll just take as many naps as I need to get through the day without sweets.

Thanks for reading.

5:30 p.m.

I'm here at home alone on a beautiful summer evening. I love warm weather and want to be out with friends laughing and connecting. But I feel shitty and unsocial, fat and yucky. All I really want to do (and will do for the rest of the evening) is sit home alone and eat more chocolate. What's a few more ounces on top of the many I've already eaten today?

What happened to my wonderful life, the life I had for a while, the life I dreamed of when younger? A life balanced with work and play, friends and aloneness, a life in which I'm motivated to do what needs to be done--and then feel good about doing it!

Now I feel lost to the world. I'm struggling, my spirit dying a slow, miserable death, and where is everybody? If I were dying of cancer, wouldn't someone be here with me? Would friends come to visit? Or would they give up on me and let me just slip slowly away? But it's depression that eats away at my passion and drive, not cancer, and I'm alone.

I look forward to the end of this day. Luckily I'm not the type to eat in the middle of the night, so my body will get a much needed 12-hour break from sugar tonight.

11:00 a.m.

It's not even noon and already I've left the house twice on two chocolate runs. If I eat enough sugar, I'm bound to come out of this fog, this daze, and be able to settle down and focus on something. I was supposed to hike with a friend but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The only thing that finally got me out of bed this morning was the promise of chocolate.

I'm sad because I want to inspire people to eat well and abstain from sweets, but I fear I'm no inspiration now. I continue this blog because I need support, and I hope that somehow my nightmarish struggle might help someone--maybe by awakening an awareness in people about how addictive sugar can be and how deleterious it can be to one's mood and overall health.