The No-sugar Diary

9:00 p.m.

2006-08-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hi there. I'm gonna try to do better keeping up with this blog. Today I have good news--no sugar for over 24 hours! And now, after trying to eat chocolate in moderation and then slipping back into full relapse and deep depression over and over and over again, my intention is to abstain completely from refined carbs (mostly sugar and white flour).

It wasn't that hard today. Hopefully I'll get through tomorrow, and after the main withdrawl should be over (like headaches and strong cravings). I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.

5:15 p.m.

2006-08-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

Hi y'all. I don't know if I'm gonna continue this blog, but I'm in the mood to post to it right now, so there you go.

My mood has been better in the last few weeks--most likely due to Wellbutrin kicking in. And that's made it much easier to resist chocolate urges, at least until I went to NYC last week and ate a bunch of chocolate along the way, and now I just want to eat it all the time again. Today, I've managed to make it with only 2 cookies with icing in between. Tomorrow, I have various support systems in place to help me get through the day without any.

It's very clear to me now that eating large amounts of chocolate for several days in a row does two things: 1) causes my mood to drop. IN fact, there's an inverse relationship between how much chocolate I eat and how I feel--the more I eat the worse I feel. And 2) after a few days of eating chocolate, it's VERY HARD for me to stop eating it. My brain definitely gets hooked, just like any other addiction. It keeps telling me, "chocolate, chocolate, chocolate," and I can't focus on anything else. It entices me with visions of various chocolate sensations, and the longer I resist, the more my mood drops. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The more chocolate I eat, the more I think about how much I want to kill myself. And when I abstain for those first couple of days, that's still what I think about.

However, after day 2 of abstinance, I feel much better. That's what I have to remember.

Shit.

10:20 p.m.

2006-07-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

Hi y'all. I'm sorry I haven't written--have been busy with my mother, who drove to Asheville from Fayetteville, AR, to help me through this very rough time. I've been feeling much better, and hopefully that'll continue after she leaves! We've been eating well--no refined carbs whatsoever. I feel much more balanced and centered. I'll write more after she leaves Sunday morning.

2:10 p.m.

2006-06-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

To Antoinette, Denny, and NoSugarMama: thanks so much for your comments. It means a lot to me to know that there are people out there who are willing to read this--even when it gets ugly like it got yesterday--and not just withdraw because it's too painful to hear about or because you don't know what to do. Thank you thank you thankyou!

2 p.m.

2006-06-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

I'm better today, mostly because my mother is coming to stay with me for almost a week. I'm grateful because I can't seem to stop eating sugar--because, at this point, the main withdrawl symptom (severe depression) is too debilitating. We'll be able to support each other in following Eat to Live, and her presence will lessen the depression a great deal. So I'm very relieved. She'll arrive Sunday afternoon.

1:40 p.m.

2006-06-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

I feel awful. My mood is terrible, and I hate everything and everyone. I hate living like this. I hate it that I'm so scared to kill myself that I'm forced to live this miserable fucking existence.

2:30 p.m.
A friend called, which helped break all that negative thinking. I can't say that I feel good, but I don't feel as bad, that's for sure. Interestingly, I'm more inclined to go get chocolate now. I haven't had any today, and even when I was thinking all that bad stuff and knew that chocolate would help me feel better for a little while, I just kept reminding myself, "If I eat chocolate, I'll get worse. If I don't eat chocolate, I'll get better."And it's so true! With each day that I eat a lot of chocolate, the withdrawl is worse and worse. If I eat chocolate, I feel better temporarily, but then the next day I feel even worse, until I eat chocolate.

And now I feel sad and spent. I just want to feel better. And that, of course, is where the sugar would fit right in. It's so hard at these times to stay connected with the fact that sugar causes me to be depressed. I just want the instant pick-me-up, and I'll worry about the consequences later! But no because if I eat chocolate, I'll get worse; if I don't eat chocolate, I'll get better.

10 p.m.

2006-06-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

I've felt much better today; still I ate a shitload of sweets. First, a huge piece of chocolate torte, then some chocolate peanut butter malted milk balls, and finally a quarter pound of chocolate-covered cashews. And I could've eaten more! I swear I had not reached my limit.

I feel hopeful, though, because I'm starting Wellbutrin tomorrow. Also, a blood test showed my B12 to be low, so today I took my first daily dose of 3,000 micrograms sublingually.

And tomorrow I'll try again. I really need to be centered and grounded--which I'm not when eating all this sugar--because my dog Benjamin has some problems with his liver and kidneys, and I want to be fully present to him and be clear-headed enough to make decisions as to how to best handle these health issues. Please visualize me abstaining from sweets and following Eat to Live! Thanks very much.

2006-06-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

Here are two of my children, Abraham and Benjamin, peering pitifully through a newly installed double glass door.

8:50 a.m.

2006-06-28T07:56:00.000-05:00

I want chocolate! I feel much better today, though, than I did this time yesterday. And I think I can hold out at least 'til the afternoon, maybe I'll even get through the day. I'll see the doctor later and hopefully get started on Wellbutrin again--it helped my depression a few years ago but then quit working.

background info

2006-06-27T21:23:00.000-05:00

Just a brief note about my background with this sugar thing: I've tried umpteen times to quit or moderate my sugar intake--I've been struggling with this since my teens, and I'm 38! I've tried doing it gradually, all at once, you name it. I've tried eating only or mostly chocolate for weeks at a time, hoping I'd get sick of it (all that happened was that I gained 15 pounds and then didn't go a day without chocolate for 2 years). And I've read every book I could find on food addiction, tried OA and FAA numerous times over the years, been in therapy numerous times, tried Prozac (it's been shown to be effective for binge eating), and tried neurolinguistic programming and various cognitive/behavioral techniques. What a nightmare this has been. But, as per my most recent post, I'll try again tomorrow.

10 p.m.

2006-06-27T21:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm gonna have another go tomorrow. I'm gonna assume I'll feel like shit instead of hoping I'll be motivated and energized--'cuz then if I turn out to be lethargic and depressed, I tell myself, "I can't do this! I have to wait 'til I'm more pumped up." So I'm gonna read the "Sugar Blues" chapter of CHOCOLATE IS MY KRYPTONITE before I go to sleep, and tomorrow I'll just take as many naps as I need to get through the day without sweets.

Thanks for reading.

5:30 p.m.

2006-06-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

I'm here at home alone on a beautiful summer evening. I love warm weather and want to be out with friends laughing and connecting. But I feel shitty and unsocial, fat and yucky. All I really want to do (and will do for the rest of the evening) is sit home alone and eat more chocolate. What's a few more ounces on top of the many I've already eaten today?

What happened to my wonderful life, the life I had for a while, the life I dreamed of when younger? A life balanced with work and play, friends and aloneness, a life in which I'm motivated to do what needs to be done--and then feel good about doing it!

Now I feel lost to the world. I'm struggling, my spirit dying a slow, miserable death, and where is everybody? If I were dying of cancer, wouldn't someone be here with me? Would friends come to visit? Or would they give up on me and let me just slip slowly away? But it's depression that eats away at my passion and drive, not cancer, and I'm alone.

I look forward to the end of this day. Luckily I'm not the type to eat in the middle of the night, so my body will get a much needed 12-hour break from sugar tonight.

11:00 a.m.

2006-06-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

It's not even noon and already I've left the house twice on two chocolate runs. If I eat enough sugar, I'm bound to come out of this fog, this daze, and be able to settle down and focus on something. I was supposed to hike with a friend but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The only thing that finally got me out of bed this morning was the promise of chocolate.

I'm sad because I want to inspire people to eat well and abstain from sweets, but I fear I'm no inspiration now. I continue this blog because I need support, and I hope that somehow my nightmarish struggle might help someone--maybe by awakening an awareness in people about how addictive sugar can be and how deleterious it can be to one's mood and overall health.

10:55 p.m.

2006-06-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

I broke down and had chocolate cake. It wasn't even very good, but I ate it anyway. I got relief from the incessant chocolate thoughts, but it didn't really make me feel any better. Luckily, that's all I ate, even though I thought about getting something else on my way home from dance class.

Now I'm worried about tomorrow. Already I've thought about a bran muffin with chocolate chips melted on it. The worst thing I can do is start the day with chocolate--that guarantees a shitty day, a day obsessed with food, going from chocolate to bread or even cheese (which I don't feel good about eating because of my concern for animals), then back to chocolate, and then some more bread/cheese to balance out the chocolate. So I can't do that. Man, this sucks.

I won't do that. I'll at least have a healthy breakfast and lunch and hold off the chocolate monster 'til the afternoon. And who knows? Maybe I'll pick up some inspiration along the way.

3:00 p.m.

2006-06-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

This day is very hard. If I make it through without chocolate, it'll be a miracle. Already, I've resisted several tempatations. Really, I'd say that for the last 3-1/2 hours I've been resisting. I was cleaning a house for a friend, and there was an unopened box of Silken Chocolate Torte mix for the taking. But I didn't. At the natural foods store, a huge piece of doule layer, double chocolate cake accosted me as soon as I walked in the door. But I didn't. In the bulk section, chocolate nut trail mix, peanutbutter pretzles, chocolate energee nuggets--all calling my name! But I didn't.

I wish I were safe here at home, but I have a car. I can go anywhere any time and get anything. My mood sucks, and I'm sick and fucking tired of these overwhelming cravings. I'm tired of this low energy and no motivation.

The only thing that keeps me on the wagon at this point is reminding myself how bad I'll feel if I cave in. Initally, I'd feel better, but shortly I'd need more chocolate and I'd start to feel worse and worse over the next few days until I'd start wishing I was dead--again.

I wish I could get excited about my dance classes tonight. But I don't care. I just want chocolate!

7:50 p.m.

2006-06-25T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, my good intentions fell through. I feel guilty, as if I''ve let y'all down, especially you other sugarholics. I just felt so lethargic after my nap this afternoon, and after having biscuits for lunch. Having refined carbs in the middle of the day definitely always throws me off--better to have them at night because then I'll sleep through the initial withdrawl and cravings. I hate that because I'm wanting more girl friends, and the woman I had lunch with likes to do this every Sunday, so it's a good opportunity for me to connect with her. But I don't think it's gonna work in terms of my eating--not right now anyway.

So I sort of threw in the towel for today, but I'll be back tomorrow. Luckily I have more stuff planned, including a dance class tomorrow night. Yay! And I'm gonna commit to post to this blog if I have any big cravings ASAP.

10:50 p.m.

2006-06-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

It was tough, but I made it through the day without sweets, though I must admit that what might have kept me going was knowing I was gonna indulge tonight at the dance. And I did--cookies and carrot cake. That's ok with me as long as it's not a trend. Tomorrow I'm having brunch at a little vegetarian joint where I'll have vegan biscuits and gravy, but after that my intention is to abstain from refined carbs (and follow Eat to Live) for at least 3 days so I don't start to develop that dependence/addiction thing again. I wish I had some fun stuff planned for tomorrow to make sure I do ok. Please send me some good energy to insure I stay on track!

10:30 a.m.

2006-06-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling tired and lonely. Really wanting something sweet. My energy is low so it's hard to get motivated to refocus my attention. Luckily, I'm going ballroom dancing tonight, but I have 9 hours to fill before leaving for that.

Is anybody out there? I'm really needing support from outside my small circle of friends--not that their support isn't appreciated! I'm sure there's lots of people who'd like to support me out there, but they don't know about me! How do I get my blog out there???

Driving home while ago, I passed a dead ground hog. She was belly up and swollen with a leaf in or on her mouth. I hate that. I hate being a part of it, too, by driving a car. It's really only luck that's kept me from hitting an animal in the last 10 years or so since I last hit one. On our short street alone, I've seen8-10 dead squirrls this spring and summer. Can you imagine how many squirrls that adds up to for all the streets in this country? Yuk. I hate the automobile.

I'm gonna clean house and keep reminding myself that if I think I feel bad now, imagine how I'd feel if I got into the chocolate again.

4:45 p.m.

2006-06-23T15:51:00.000-05:00

I've been very tired this afternoon. I took an hour-long nap and didn't wake up once, so now I'm a little groggy. I'll be very glad when this lethargy passes. Also, I'm surprised and glad I don't have strong sugar cravings. Usually if I'm low energy and/or a little blah I'm wanting chocolate in a bad way.

10:30 a.m.

2006-06-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

Still going strong. At least, no chocolate cravings, though I'm a bit unmotivated. In fact, I had a life coaching appointment scheduled for this morning but realized I'm not in a space to conjure up any goals to work towards. Even though I feel much better than a week ago, I still don't have a lot of home for my future. I find it difficult to even just come up with a fantasy about my future. Hell, I just want to feel good and motivated consistently. I want to be able to connect with people more easily, to feel comfortable and not awkward. To connect spiritually. I can see why I've so often turned to chocolate. I mean, it doesn't give me any of those things really, but it gives me comfort, entertainment, energy--if only for a very short while.

Oh well. I'm trusting that eating well and/or the Cymbalta are gonna reinspire me soon!

6:30 p.m.

2006-06-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

This is day 4 without refined carbs, and i feel good. My energy is better today, though my body feels ragged out a little from so much activity. Yesterday I walked/hiked 7 miles over the course of the day, had a dance lesson, and lifted weights. This morning I busied myself cutting up tree remains and hauling them to the front of the house for the city to pick up.

Anyway, no real chocolate cravings, though I have thought about it a few times.

You may be wondering what I DO eat. I think I mentioned before that I follow Dr. Fuhrman's diet, Eat to Live. That means I aim to eat a pound of raw veggies (heavy on the leafy greens), a pound of cooked, nonstarchy veggies (not including potatoes or winter squash, etc.), a cup of beans, 3-5 pieces of fresh fruit, a tablespoon of flax seed meal and some walnuts and other nuts or seeds. It's quite yummy, actually, and very filling. I highly recommend it!

4:50 p.m.

2006-06-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

This is day 3 without refined carbs. Yay! I've been pretty tired this afternoon and even took an hour and a half nap, but no chocolate cravings and my mood is good. Earlier today I was thinking how much more centered I feel off the chocolate and how my thoughts are much more positive. Still, I'm having trouble making decisions, which is aggravating--a function of the depression, I think.

7:20 p.m.

2006-06-20T18:27:00.000-05:00

I'm going on close to 50 hours without refined carbs. Yay! I feel pretty good, though I'm developing a bit of a headache (went to bed with one last night, too). That's typical for me when I quit eating sweets. This morning I was tired and sleepy but went for a mountain bike ride--5 miles up hill!--and that energized me. The weather was perfect--sunny and about 80 degrees--so I got a good sweat.

I really haven't thought much about chocolate today, though it did cross my mind briefly after my very healthy supper of huge organic salad and big bowl of lentil/veggie soup. Yum! It's amazing how wonderful simple, wholesome foods taste when they're not competing with chocolate or bread.

9:20 p.m.

2006-06-19T20:24:00.000-05:00

I've almost made it thru the day without sweets. Yay! It was hard at times. This morning I felt really sleepy and even took two short naps on the couch. Luckily, a friend came over with a couple of chain saws to help me prune my back yard, and that was energizing. So I felt pretty good from that until it was time to get ready for dance class. I was nervous already because I'm moving up a level and wondered if this advanced class might be too hard. On top of that, I've gained a good 8 pounds during this most recent two to three-month chocolate binge, and I can't wear most of my clothes. I hate it. But I just put something on that almost fit and went anyway. And though nervous at first, I relaxed upon realizing I'd fit in just fine in the class, and happily, it's a bit more challenging than the last class I took.

Still I thought about chocolate a number of times today; often, I was questioning whether to abstain completely or just limit it to certain situations. Actually, it doesn't make a lot of sense for me to spend much time trying to make a decision because, in the past, I haven't stuck to those decisions anyway! Still, I wish I had the answer. In some ways complete abstinance makes sense. But my fear about that is this: what if I just lose it one day and eat chocolate? Somehow, I want to be in control of this thing, and I have had periods of control, where it worked out pretty well for me to have a couple of desserts/week, away from home, with friends. Well, regardless of that, I clearly need to abstain for the moment.

I'm considering trying a new antidepressant, Cymbalta. I'm torn because I really believe if I can stay off the sweets, my depression will lift. In fact, it's always better when I'm not eating sweets daily. The catch 22 is that when I'm depresses, it's almost impossible for me NOT to eat sweets. Shit. The main thing I dislike about taking a pharmaceutical is the animal research behind FDA approval. I'm 100% against it, but if I purchase this drug, I'm supporting animal research almost directly with my money! Yuk.

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep, especially with no caffeine or sugar in my system. Thanks for reading. Please post a comment so I'll know somebody's out there reading about what I'm going through!

Monday, June 19, 2006

2006-06-19T07:42:00.000-05:00

8:40 a.m.
I've been thinking about chocolate already today. That doesn't surprise me considering how much I've eaten in the last several days. Yesterday, I had biscuits and vegan gravy for lunch--a huge dose of white flour. Then I had a banana spelt muffin with chocolate chips melted onto and into it. Then I had a bunch of homemade cashew chocolate nut butter. This is a major abuse of the Vitamix, which I bought to make smoothies and soups and such. Anyway, I started with 6 ounces of cashews and 3 ounces of chocolate, made it into nut butter and ate it all on Wasa Crisps.

And that's a typical day for me and chocolate. Yuk.

So now I'm feeling lethargic and uninspired. I got up at 5:15 and journaled while sitting in front of my 10,000 lux light for half an hour. Then I had some cantelope before teaching a 50-minute indoor cycling class. Luckily, a friend is coming over later to help me trim some trees. That'll keep me active and occupied. Really, though, I'd like to either go back to bed or gnaw on a bag of chocolate.

Which somehow reminds me of my spiritual path: first and foremost, "Be here now." However, when "now" is more than think I can bear: "This too shall pass."

2006-06-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

June 18, 2006
Hi there. I've just created this blog in an effort to support myself in getting off refined carbohydrates. I hope it works. I've tried many other things, none of which have worked for the long term. And now I'm 38 years old, depressed, and my main interest in life is chocolate. Yuk. Anyway, tomorrow I'll try again. My goal is to abstain from all refined carbs and follow Dr. Joel Fuhrman's diet, Eat to Live. Please feel free to write notes of encouragement! I'll keep you posted. Caroline